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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"- Eleanor Roosevelt
20 most recent entries

Date:2007-08-27 07:45
Subject:
Security:Public

This is my last public posting. I am making my journal friends only from this point on.

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Date:2007-08-23 10:08
Subject:
Security:Public

Went to a movie and dinner with Tim last night at CineArts on Santana Row. He got free passes to a special screening of Resurrecting the Champ (a new movie coming out with Samuel L. Jackson and Josh Hartnett). It was pretty good. He got the passes through work so we ran into a bunch of his co-workers there (a bunch of young guys). One of the guys was from France (a friend of one of the co-workers). I didn't get a chance to talk to him. I probably would have been too nervous trying to speak French to him anyway.

It's really nice dating a guy that's really cute and normal and cool for a change

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Date:2007-08-20 10:27
Subject:Friend Quiz
Security:Public

I posted this on MySpace a couple of weeks ago but I didn't post it here. Try it out. I don't expect most of you to get most of these right because they're kind of odd in some cases. But I've done enough surveys, maybe you will.

Testriffic Quiz Your Friends
Create your own Friend Quiz here

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Date:2007-08-18 10:13
Subject:
Security:Public

This is not the day to be working. As some of you may now, there is a category 4 hurricane in the Caribbean. It's projected to impact Jamaica tomorrow. And we have quite a few travelers there and traveling to there in the next couple of days. The St. Lucia airport (UVF) was closed yesterday as the hurricane passed by but appears to have reopened today and flights are on schedule. This worked out really well that I'm working today. I wasn't scheduled, but I wanted to hang out with Sara on Wednesday so I took Wednesday off and took this Saturday from Rori. Rori might do ok but she really hasn't had to deal with these before. I've been here almost 7 years and have been through a lot of hurricane seasons and customer service issues. If they're not going to have a manager here, at least it's me.

Going hiking with Tim tomorrow. Well, we're hanging out and I'm going to try to make it into hiking. I have VERY few friends that will participate in outdoor activities. He has a lot of stamina which is good because then we can push ourselves a lot farther. Although, I think he does it less for exercise than he does for fun.

I just found out my cousin, Kristy, and her fiance are moving to Petaluma in October. Her fiance, Matt, is a fireman and works in San Rafael. All of his and her family live down here. She doesn't work. I don't know what she is going to do with herself up there. I live in San Jose so I think that's an hour or so from Petaluma. I can go up and see her sometimes but that's way way up past San Francisco and Sausalito. I remember riding up to Petaluma with TJ before and it was a long, boring drive.

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Date:2007-08-14 10:33
Subject:
Security:Public

Tim posted all the pictures from Sunday's hike on his MySpace page. I stole a few.

Angel Island picsCollapse )

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Date:2007-08-13 12:29
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: tired

Saturday night, some friends and I went to a Taste in downtown San Jose. Pictures under the cut. It was pretty fun. There are 3 rooms with different music in each. They played Kayne's new song! I was so excited. Marisela pimped me out. She gave some guy my phone number that I had danced with. I had way too many shots of Tequila by this point. The guy asked if he could come home with me and I told him no but even if I wanted to I already had a guy there (Tim spent the night at my place but didn't come out with us). I don't really remember what this guy looked like but I remember him being really strong. I'm lucky I don't get hungover (I didn't eat all day Saturday or drink water) but I'm afraid it will catch up with me soon.

These aren't great pics of me.

TasteCollapse )

Sunday, Sara, Kris, Tim, and I drove up to Angel Island. We took the Tiburon ferry. It was a great hike. It's almost 800 feet to the top and you can see across the bay to both the Golden Gate and Bay bridges and we were at and above fog level. The fog was pretty low. It was sunny and warm, but not hot. It's fun hanging out the four of us. We all get along well.

Saturday night before the club, I went to dinner with Tim. I wasn't planning on eating that day (and didn't) but he insisted on going to University Chicken Sports Pub over by the San Jose State Campus and trying their 911 Challenge. It's a chain pub, I think and they only have them near universities. The challenge is that you have to eat 12 of their atomic thermonuclear wings in 10 minutes and then lick all the sauce off your fingers and sit there for 5 additional minutes. You can't drink anything or wipe any of the sauce off. It wasn't even a sauce on the wings. It's like a thickish paste of habanero sauce. He brought his camera and I shot a video of it so he could post it on youtube. Such a guy thing to do. He did it, though. I can't exactly say I was proud of him, but it is one of those amusing things guys feel they need to do in life to prove themselves.

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Date:2007-08-11 14:34
Subject:
Security:Public

Sort of amused by the Simpsons craze around the movie. Yet, I've heard that the movie was lacking and was more just like a long episode. That was from the only person I know that has seen the movie, though. I like the Simpsons, but I wouldn't consider myself a fan.

I am, however, a huge fan of Kanye West and his new song Stronger. He worked with Daft Punk and used their Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger song as a foundation. DP remixed their song and he rapped around and over it.

50 Cent is pissed off that Kanye is topping him in all charts. They both have an album being released on 9/11. Fiddy vows that if Kanye outsells him in album sales, he will never release another solo album again. Drama queen. It's probably best if he doesn't. I like 50 Cent but a lot of/most of his music sounds the same. Kanye, in my opinion, does some great collaborations and has yet to release anything I have heard that I don't like. The only collaborating artist of a similar genre that I prefer to Kanye is Timbaland.

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Date:2007-08-09 15:57
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: tired

Went to dinner with Tim last Saturday night. Then walked around downtown San Jose for a couple of hours. I have been wanting to do that and see the relation of clubs to each other and see how far it all is from my house. We walked around the San Jose State campus too (his school). It's a nice, open campus. I'd like to go there in a year. I hadn't previously wanted to but it's close to my house and a good school. He is a little on the dull side. Mostly because he's so laid back. He's so cute, too.

Hung out with Sara and Tim yesterday and then Tim more last night. I met a few of his friends from his old school (Heald College).

Going to try to go to Taste Ultra Lounge in downtown SJ Saturday night. My friend, Chynna, knows the owner and can get she and friends on the guest list anytime she wants to go. I'm trying to get Sara to go with us because Sara, Kris, Tim, and I are going to go hiking on Angel Island on Sunday and I was already trying to get Sara and Kris to spend the night at my house Saturday night.

Reminder to self: I STILL need to develop my pictures from Cabo and the East Coast! Ok, I'm doing it tomorrow.

Schedule for Fall semester:
Mon: math 8-1030
work 11-530
programming class: 6-9
Tues: work 9-1230
French 1-3
work 330-530
Wed: math 8-1030
work 11-530
Thurs: work 9-1230
French 1-3
work 330-530
Fri: work 9-530
Sat: work 8-3

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Date:2007-08-03 12:53
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: complacent

Sorry I haven't been posting anymore. I read all your postings sporadically but I haven't felt compelled to update myself. Live Journal is something that I started doing on TJ's suggestion and using it reminds me of him. I don't miss him but it reminds me of events that still anger me occasionally (if I think about them and that's usually when people bring it up). As I think I've mentioned before (not wanting to read back and remind myself of what I had to go through with him in order to see what I have posted), the further I move away from that time of my life, the more I realize how miserable I was. People told me. I didn't listen. I thought I was happy. Since then, I have realized a pattern in my life. I am miserable in relationships. It had nothing to do with TJ as a person. I start out great and liking them and then I suddenly, rapidly become miserable and depressed. And I don't realize it. I fake happiness and contentment to myself to avoid the fact that I am anything but. Maybe I pick the wrong people? That has been evident, thus far. Yet, I feel there's more to it than that. Looking back, I had become a shell of my former self. This is not the first time it's happened. And now, I have been dating a couple really great guys and it's nauseating to think of moving any further with any of them because I don't want to get how I get in relationships. TJ and I are trying to remain friends. We haven't seen each other in a few months. I still have no desire to hang out with him. After breaking up with any ex, I usually never speak to them again. I have that desire now but I am trying to break that pattern. I don't know if I will be successful in that because I'm still angry about it.

On a more cheerful, light note I'm finally all moved in to my new apartment in San Jose. It's a 1 bedroom in a great complex. I've had my own studio before but this is a real apartment which is really cool. It's nice to have my own space. The commute can be somewhat hard (52 minutes each direction to work). But it's a nice drive and I don't do it every day. I still spend the night in Santa Cruz a couple to a few nights a week.

For those of you in the South Bay, my complex is off 280 (the 1st Meridian exit), off Race St.

School starts in a month and I have a crazy schedule.

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Date:2007-05-16 20:59
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: cold

Hey guys! Just got back from Cabo last night. It was really fun. Finally got a decent tan. Drank a lot. Went clubbing A LOT. Didn't eat much and got lots of exercise. Lots of hot guys. Didn't spend much money (which was good because I didn't have much to spend). Marisela (the friend I went with) drove me nuts sometimes because she's very disorganized and scattered. I'm not exactly the most punctual person, but I felt like I was babysitting sometimes. viczaesar, I like travelling with you the best. You don't stress me out at all and you are mindful of time and responsibilities. Those aren't the only reasons, of course. :P

Will get the pictures developed and upload them as soon as I get around to it. I didn't take a lot. I miss my digital camera. :( Not that I would have wanted to carry the beast around Cabo with me, for God's sake.

Trying to catch up on postings. It's slow going because there are a lot I missed. Responses may be sporadic and random over the next few days.

Coming up on 2 months since TJ and I broke up. With the time and distance, I have realized a lot about our relationship. It pretty much sucked for the last 11 months of it. We maybe had about 7 good months before it started going downhill. I knew from the very start that we were complete opposites and a complete mismatch. But I thought it would be fun to try. We should have ended it after 6 months. Why we didn't, I don't know. We were quite boring as a couple. We didn't have romantic chemistry at all. Even from the start. And in retrospect, getting back to the person I was before TJ, we are so different, it's ridiculous that we even tried to be in a relationship in the first place. People told me that from the start, but I didn't want to hear it. I did love him. But I love easily. As rude as it was what he did, in all honesty, I can't really blame him. I sure as hell can't hate him. If you are with someone you clearly shouldn't be with and you've been dealing with it as long as you could and you come across someone else that is a great match, why in the hell would you stay with the person who were already with? Just to be kind? It's not fair to anyone. Everyone has a right to be happy. He really did us both a favor. We were both being stifled and I can really see that now. He said when he broke up with me that it was good to do it then so that we might be able to salvage our friendship. Maybe. I'm content just not having any weirdness because it seems weird to have this animosity when we were close friends for over a year. We probably won't ever be close friends again because we are such different people with completely different interests. But I don't want him as my enemy, either. We'll see, I guess.....

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Date:2007-05-01 22:25
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: mellow

Hey guys. Just catching up on everyone's postings and commenting where I have something to say. :P

Last weekend, I helped with Emily's campaign. Turns out she's running for State Assembly, not just mayor again. They're just starting the campaigning procedures so I'll help out as much as I can.

Saturday night I went to a rave, sans ecstasy. It was all ages so no alcohol either. So, it was basically a techno/trance show/concert with awesome DJs spinning but they tried to make it as much like a rave as possible. It was a lot of fun. Danced a lot. Drank a lot (down to the liquor store with my bitches every so often). We picked up a couple of guys to join our group. I seriously think I drank more than I ever have before. Thank God for my low tolerance and the fact that I drink so much water. No hangover. Dancing is a great workout. Hopefully I worked off all the damn sugar in the tequila. :I

Sunday, I went and watched the Big Sur Marathon with my friend, Eileen. That's so inspiring. Laid out in the sun to work on my tan for Cabo some. Finally getting some good color to go with my blonde hair so I don't look like a zombie, for God's sake. Rode 21.5 miles on the bike at the gym in an hour in the late afternoon. Went to the hot tubs around 7. Had dinner after that.

Lost 2 pounds last week. Trying not to lift too many weights anymore because I think I have enough muscle at this point. My legs have gotten really muscular and my arms and shoulders too. Any more and it won't look good. Trying to work out at least 2 hours every day. My clothes are getting really loose and I'm looking a lot better. Cabo is in a week and a day. Starting to think about what to pack. Going to wear mostly dresses and skirts since I actually look better in them now and it's, apparently, hotter than hell there.


Hope everyone is doing well! *hugs*

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Date:2007-04-26 07:58
Subject:
Security:Public

My work decided to SurfControl our computers again. So no LJ, MySpace, Craig's List, or Hotmail. I'll still check them in the morning and/or (probably more the or) at night.

I had my hair done yesterday. My cousin, Kristy, did it. She's really good. She has her license, but she doesn't have a permit because she doesn't have to work (her fiance is a fireman). So, I'm blonder now. It wasn't my choice but since she won't let me pay her for doing it (or for the product), I said she can do whatever she wants to my hair. I'm so glad I never dyed my hair some God-awful punk color like pink or purple for TJ. Those colors start fading and you really look like crap. And I didn't want to ruin my hair.

13.5 days until Cabo. :I

Here's a pic of me I took with my phone yesterday:
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

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Date:2007-04-24 11:30
Subject:Swiped from maryssakaye
Security:Public

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Date:2007-04-24 09:47
Subject:
Security:Public

I have definitely moved into a whole new league with my workouts. Yesterday, after work, I did 3 solid hours of cardio at the gym. 1 hour on the bike, 1 hour on the treadmill, and 1 hour rowing. Only stopping to switch machines after each hour.

People are asking me how I could do it for that long. Honestly, I think most people could do 3 hours of exercise like that. You hear about people in the news that get stranded out in a forest or in the snow and they walk for hours and hours. You can do it regardless of the shape you are in. It's all in your head. It did make it a lot easier that I work out as much as I do. I have been building up my duration on each machine to where I knew I could do an hour on each of those machines because I had already been doing it. So, I just combined 3 machines together. They all used different muscles so I'm not really that sore today.

I became very aware of how far I can push my body last year when I ran the Wharf to Wharf without training for it. When I did run at the gym, it was for maybe 10-15 minutes and it wasn't often. But I just showed up and ran 6.2 miles. Well, I did walk when the nausea set in until it would pass and then run again.

Last night, I purposely did not eat dinner but I was thinking about what I ate during the day and realized I think I just barely reached 1000 calories. And I burned just over 1000 calories in my 3 hour workout. Plus the 45 minutes at lunch. So, that's not good. I know you're supposed to burn more than you take in but I know 1000 is too low if I'm working out that much. Plus, I didn't have a lot of carbs.

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Date:2007-04-23 11:35
Subject:Added a recent pic and made it my default icon.....
Security:Public
Mood: tired

I had a good weekend. Friday night, after work, Marisela and I went to the gym and I did a solid hour on the elliptical (I did a half hour at lunch) and then some ab work. Then, I went home and ate sushi and watched Blood Diamond. I didn't want to go out Friday night because I had to be at work Saturday.
Saturday, I worked from 8-3. Saturday night, I went to a party with my friend, Sara, and her fiance, Kris. They're trying to set me up with one of Kris's friends who was at the party. He's a pretty cool guy. Tall, cute, likes the outdoors, just graduated college, has lots of friends. I found his personality a little bland, though. I drank too much and when I get to a certain point, I get really quiet because I am containing myself from what I will say and do. Otherwise, I would be totally crazy. So, he told Kris and Sara that he liked me but I was really quiet. :P So, they want me to go to another party with them where he will be in a couple of weeks. I'd better drink less so I'll be more talkative. If I go. I've been talking to this other guy who is pretty cool. I'm not really in the mood to date just now, though. I am really focusing on working on and getting in shape and started to move my life in the direction I had been wanting to before I got together with TJ. I never again will give myself up so much for a relationship.

Sunday, I went to church at Inner Light and it was great as usual. The minister there is the only one I have ever heard that can hold my attention the entire talk. After church, my mom and I went to lunch, then walked around downtown Santa Cruz, then went and saw Blades of Glory (with Will Farrell and Jon Heder). It was really funny. Sunday night, we watched The Last King of Scotland.

My mom supports a local politician- Emily Reilly, Mayor of Santa Cruz. I've met her a couple times and she's a really great, powerful woman. I usually have issues with women in power because (for some reason) I don't think they should be. I don't know where that comes from. I really like Emily Reilly, though. She's up for re-election and my mom is working on her campaign and asked if I wanted to be involved. So, I'm going to go help them with the mailers on Saturday and see what areas they need volunteers in and start volunteering with them. Emily Reilly is a politician I would very willingly give my time to.

Um, yeah... I gained a pound at the weigh in today. It's either muscle, the fact that I was weighing heavier pants than usual, or the drinking Saturday night. *scowl*. I'm not too worried about it because I still feel smaller and my clothes are still fitting looser. So, I'm not worried about it. I'm still going to keep on what I'm doing.

I'm finally sleeping without sleeping pills every night. I still dream about TJ every night and I'm not sure why. At least my dreams are getting more about him pissing me off than us being together.

16.5 days until Cabo!!

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Date:2007-04-20 09:32
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: angry

The (seemingly) nicest guys can be total heartless dicks. Fuck them all.

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Date:2007-04-19 12:27
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: bouncy

Just downloaded 3 Marilyn Manson songs. I seriously would never have gotten into him if not for my friend, Dave. I need to swipe Dave's MM cd if he still has it/them and upload the songs onto my iPod.

I downloaded:
The Beautiful People
Tainted Love
Sweet Dreams

3 songs I remember really liking of his (the latter 2 are great covers of songs from the 80s). Marilyn Manson is the shit. His music is really hot (which makes him hot), but he kind of scares me. :P

*added* It's really weird to go from Marilyn Manson to Mika- Grace Kelly.

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Date:2007-04-19 11:06
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: pissed off at TJ

Marisela just reminded me that we have 20.5 days until Cabo. Thanks, Mari. :P

I don't know what I'm thinking. I still only work out once, MAYBE twice a day (if I make time for the second round). And that's only for, like, 45 minutes. As much as it annoys me, I know I'm going to have to change what I'm doing "cardio-wise". I have been doing 7 minutes on the stairs (because that's as long as I can stand it), 15 minutes on the elliptical, 10 minutes running/speed walking, 8 minutes rowing or biking. I know good and well that I need to stick with one form of cardio the entire 45 minutes to keep my heart rate consistent. But I get bored. If I'm outside doing an activity, it's fine. But, at the gym, I get tired of running or biking or climbing in place. So, TODAY, I'm going to start focusing on just one activity for the entire 45 minutes. I try to go to the gym at night after I'm done doing whatever I'm doing but I'm so tired lately because I'm still not sleeping well (even with sleeping pills that I take every night). I miss having a solid night's sleep. I never used to wake up in the middle of the night. :(

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Date:2007-04-16 09:43
Subject:
Security:Public

Feeling a lot better about things in general. I realized that a big thing that was really making the depression about the breakup worse is that I had just moved out of my own place that I really liked in with my mom to pay off all my bills so I could move over the hill at the end of the summer. A big reason for this was to be closer to TJ and after this happened, everything in the Valley reminds me of him and obviously being closer to him is not an interest of mine anymore. So, on top of dealing with the depression about what he did and not being with him anymore, I'm also stuck in this transitional stage where I'm staying at my mom's house (which I don't like but was dealing with because I had the move to look forward to), I gave my notice at work and I'd already started getting rid of my stuff to make the move easier. Now, I've been stuck hating being over the hill because it reminds me of TJ but still wanting to live over there and being let down from what I had been planning for knowing it now wasn't going to be. I noticed this factor has made this situation a lot harder because I'm not happy with my surroundings.

Something lorikitty said in a response to one of my postings really shifted my thinking about how I feel about what happened with TJ. And I was over the hill in Wednesday night, in San Jose Saturday helping my friend move from Morgan Hill to there and I was back over the hill again on Sunday in Fremont. I still like being over there as long as I don't associate everything with sad memories of TJ. So, I'm still thinking about moving over there. I think after a couple of months, I should be able to be over there without any problem. Saturday night was really hard because I usually would have been spending the night at his house instead of driving back to Santa Cruz and then we would have spent Sunday together. But I was fine and not sad all day Sunday. That is really big since the past 2 Sundays I've been really miserable. I still miss him a lot and miss hanging out with him but I'm not so sad anymore.

I think it will still be a while before I can hang out with him again, but at least I'm not so miserable anymore. I still dream about him every morning and wake up from the dream between 3-5am sad and can't go back to sleep for awhile.

I did the weigh in this morning and only lost a pound since last Monday. However, I weighed a pound less than I did today last Wednesday. I worked out a lot over the weekend and ate sushi last night which is a lot of carbs (because of the rice). So, I'm not worried about it. I'm still doing it even harder than before and I'm still noticing huge changes in the way my clothes are fitting.

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Date:2007-04-13 14:38
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: happy

Guess what guys!!!

In the Biggest Loser Challenge, last week's results from Monday's weigh ins were posted in the paper and I'm in the top 5 women for total percentage lost from the beginning of the contest! I've lost 3.675% of my total body weight so far.

I weighed myself today in the locker room (they use the same scale for the weigh ins) and I've already lost 2 more pounds since Monday. So, if I can lose another pound or 2 by Monday, I'll be really happy. Still, 2 pounds is good. I really wanted to lose 20 by Cabo, but I guess I shouldn't push it.

I know I need to increase my calorie intake. Some days it's okay but most days I'm still doing about 800-1000 calories. I know I never get up to 1400 anymore. I am burning about half of that (the 800-100) in my daily workouts so it seems to be balancing out. If I increase my calories to a steady 1200 a day I should make myself work out an extra session each day to make up for it. I'm getting the nutrients because I drink my protein shake every morning.

The great added bonus is that people are constantly telling what a huge difference they see and how great I look. I had a meeting this morning with one of my clients I haven't seen for about a year and he was telling me how he could really tell I'd lost weight and that I look great. :)

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